By the Began in '96 staff
Presenting Began in '96's First Annual Super Bowl Drinking Game.
America's biggest, greatest unofficial holiday is this Sunday. Football will be watched, food will be eaten, halftime shows will be mercilessly mocked, and in the end, we'll crown the survivor of the 21-game full-contact marathon we call the NFL season.
This is cause for celebration, and while only the fans on one side will go home happy, there's no reason everyone can't end up a little tipsy. So in between stuffing your face with wings and doing an embarrassing amount of yelling at the TV, grab a drink and commemorate the best day of the year with Began in '96's First Annual Super Bowl Drinking Game.
The game is divided into four sections: Pregame, Super Bowl, Halftime and Postgame. But be on your toes, all the rules apply for the entire night. So if, God forbid, Madonna crashes the pregame ceremonies to describe what life was like before football, you best be drinking.
Note: A missed drinking opportunity is a two-drink penalty, plus 10 seconds of getting berated in the style of Tom Coughlin on Matt Dodge.
PREGAME
1. Someone says something complementary about the city of Indianapolis-- drink
We know, it's unlikely. But the pregame analysts have to introduce their segment with something, and a through-your-teeth "Welcome to beautiful Indianapolis, Indiana" goes over better than the far more honest "Welcome to Indianapolis, the convention center capital of the world," or "Welcome to Indianapolis, where the only reason we're here is because the stadium's got a roof and we can't do Miami every year."
Bonus drink for mentions of city landmarks like the NCAA headquarters, Indianapolis Motor Speedway and the Eiteljorg Museum of American Indians and Western Art.
2. Soft-focus feature on the life story of one of players-- drink
Guaranteed to be at least one, and with Bob Costas in the mix, there may be more. Monologues and somber interviews, this is what NBC does. There are a ton of story lines here, from Eli Manning's football family to Rob Gronkowski's emergence to Mark Herzlich's journey from cancer victim to Super Bowl linebacker. If you're really committed, set odds on who NBC will end up going with.
Bonus drink for the phrases "unlikely hero," "out of nowhere," and "difficult upbringing."
3. A crossover feature with the NBC pregame crew and an advertiser-- drink and contemplate the future of media
It's no longer enough to say a segment is "brought to you by...," now advertisers want their product infiltrating the actual studio. And with half of a day to kill before kickoff, there's a very real possibility NBC could become the third network to interview the E*TRADE baby. We'd tell you to watch closely for these, but you'll know when you're getting bashed over the head with it.
Bonus CHUG if they actually interview the E*TRADE baby.
4. Someone says something about Tom Brady that's completely unrelated to football-- drink
He's rich. His girlfriend is a Brazilian supermodel. He's got impeccable features. He calls teammates "babe." Guys want to be him and girls want to be with him, and inevitably the conversation will steer toward Brady's off-the-field attributes. Go ahead, we know you want to throw your two cents in there. Just do it after you've taken a drink.
5. Overhead blimp shot of the stadium-- drink
Possibly the only reason blimps are still around is to provide that scenic overhead. Someone is working hard up in that awkward balloon; toast them before you take a sip.
SUPER BOWL
1. Camera pans to: Archie Manning, Peyton Manning, Cooper Manning, Eli Manning's wife and/or kid, Bill Belicheck in a cutoff hoodie, Tom Coughlin yelling, random celebrities-- drink
This could be a busy one, folks. There are so many stories sitting there on the sidelines and in the stands, and they'll be impossible for Michaels and Collinsworth to ignore. The more tense the game gets, the more NBC will be looking for the crowd reaction shots, especially if Eli is leading his usual fourth-quarter comeback.
Bonus drink for every mention of Peyton's neck or what he means to the city, or Archie Manning and what he means to Peyton/Eli or the city of New Orleans.
Bonus drink for a David Spade sighting.
Bonus CHUG if an announcer talks about how Cooper Manning was once the best of the clan.
2. Manningface-- drink
Ah, the Manning face. Is there anything more amusing? Be on guard for these whenever a play goes wrong, Eli overthrows his receiver, or something just plain smells bad on the field.
Bonus drink if the camera cuts from an Eli Manningface directly to a Peyton Manningface.
3. BenJarvus Green-Ellis is referred to as The Law Firm-- drink
It's because he has a lot of names. Get it? It's also a crutch for announcers trying to describe what is otherwise perhaps the most perfectly average back in all of the NFL. Green-Ellis is most likely to get carries around the goal line, as the Pats will probably go with the quicker Stevan Ridley or the better receiver in Danny Woodhead outside of the red zone.
4. Chris Collinsworth takes advantage of a break in the game to gasbag about the good ol' days-- drink
Collinsworth is an excellent analyst who is often able to break down every part of a play in the time it takes us to reach for the bag of chips. In exchange for that vast knowledge, though, we have to put up with some nostalgia. Okay, a lot of nostalgia. Collinsworth has a ton of stories from his playing days, and given the chance, he'll launch right into them.
Bonus drink if it's an excessive celebration penalty that sets Collinsworth off.
5. Someone mentions that Victor Cruz was an undrafted free agent-- drink and yell Cruuuuuuuz
Cruz is one of the best stories of this NFL season, and should play a major role in the Super Bowl. He's torched almost every team he's played this season, and New England's porous pass defense should have its hands full. More catches means more screen time for Cruz, and you can be sure someone will point out (perhaps multiple times depending on how serious they're taking the drinking game) that Cruz was initially shunned by the league.
Two bonus drinks if someone points out that Cruz was a one-star recruit coming out of high school.
6. Brady pouts over not getting a roughing the passer call-- drink
Being a future Hall-of-Fame quarterback comes with its privileges, and one of them is favorable treatment from the referees. Brady is one of the best in the pocket, and also one of the best actors after the play, often getting a call if a defender breathes on him too hard. But should a ref have the nerve to overlook one of these offenses, you can bet Brady will throw a tantrum.
Bonus drink if the ref throws a flag after Brady starts his pouting.
7. Someone tells you the commercials are the best part of the Super Bowl-- drink until you can forgive them
There's at least one at every Super Bowl party. They walk in front of the TV, ask who's playing, spend most of the game chit-chatting, and then shush everyone when the commercials come on. Yes, it's cool that companies put effort into these ads rather than just bombarding you with their Discount Double Check every five minutes. But this is the age of YouTube and blogs. If you miss one, it won't be lost to the ether forever.
Bonus drink for every commercial that features a trained animal, man in underwear, or robot.
HALFTIME
1. Madonna opens halftime with a song that's more than 20 years old-- drink for as many seconds as years since it came out, then drink again for knowing when the song came out
Super Bowl viewership is still dominated by the older crowd, and after the Janet Jackson/Justin Timberlake fiasco, we might never see another performer under 50. Enjoy the dulcet tones of Madonna's reanimated corpse, break down the first half, and be thankful Will.i.am isn't up on stage again.
2. Clips of David Tyree's helmet catch or Vinatieri's field goal through a blizzard-- finish your drink, then crush the can on your head or placekick it into the trash can, whichever applies
Neither moment will ever get old for their respective fan bases, and that's as it should be. Every franchise should have at least one moment that it can hold onto forever, and these two teams have gotten theirs within the past 15 years. When one of these clips is shown, every fan of that team has to say where he/she was when it happened, then take a bonus drink.
3. Tim Tebow is mentioned, or someone in the room Tebows-- drink
Don't think you can escape a Super Bowl without someone invoking his name. Outside of the now traditional presidential pregame interview, Tim Tebow could spark the most heated debate of the night. Just make sure it's settled before the third quarter.
Bonus drink if someone trolls the entire room by saying God wants Tim Tebow to win.
4. Bob Costas' monologue makes you feel bad about yourself-- chug until the sad goes away
No one has perfected the "light scolding" voice like Bob Costas, and he should be in top form at the Super Bowl. His monologue will most certainly couch football in the context of life as a whole, and if you feel slightly sadder and more confused afterward, he's done his job. Remember, Bob Costas isn't angry, he's just upset.
POSTGAME
1. Bob Kraft misses a high five-- drink
Even after all the wins, the Patriots' owner still has trouble with the simple high five. In what could end up a high-scoring game, Kraft will have plenty of chances to show off his celebration skills, meaning plenty of chances for those celebrations to go horribly, awkwardly awry.
Bonus drink if Kraft is wearing an I-banker shirt.
2. Unnatural pre-written speech by a member of the trophy presentation party-- drink
A lot of times a league sponsor will send a representative to say a few words about its partnership with the NFL and how proud it is to present the trophy to the...uh...let's see what's written here...I don't really watch football...Oh!...Patriots or Giants! Great match, guys. These are stilted, uncomfortable and the perfect opportunity to drink.
Bonus drink if the crowd boos Roger Goodell.
3. Ad for The Voice, coming up next on NBC-- drink
The show right after the Super Bowl always sees a bump in its ratings, and this year the lucky winner is NBC's knock-off version of American Idol. Drink while you can, because after the Super Bowl, you won't have a convenient excuse to reach for a beer every time one these insufferable ads comes on.
4. You make it through the entire night of Began in '96's Super Bowl drinking game-- finish your drink and call in sick for tomorrow
Congrats, you made it. Only seven more months 'til preseason starts.
We surely missed a ton of drinking opportunities, so put additional rules in the comments, and on behalf of the Began in '96 crew, Godspeed.
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