What will ESPN do without Tebow?

By Adam Cancryn

ESPN no longer has Tim Tebow to talk about. So... what now?

Tim Tebow's playoff run ended last weekend, and along with it went all of ESPN's plans for Tebowmania.

And oh, did they have plans.

Tebowmania was going to be the sports television equivalent of Brazilian Carnivale: gaudy, delirious, deafening and never-ending. Skip Bayless spent weeks stretching his vocal chords so he could hit a new frequency with his screeching. Chris Berman planned to start and finish at least three whole sentences during NFL Countdown. Ed Werder was booked to fly to Makati City, Phillipines, to report live from Tebow's birthplace. 

ESPN the Magazine had already laid out seven consecutive all-Tebow issues. Executives powwowed in Bristol to dream up the Tebow Network. They all agreed: it'd certainly do better then that Longhorn thing everyone's already forgotten about. 

Down in Austin, Texas, announcer-turned-politico Craig James scheduled a press conference to announce Tebow would take his place in the race for the Senate. It's the only way James' campaign could poll more than 4%.

And best of all, when Tebow finally won the Super Bowl, there was gonna be cake. The good stuff, not that melty Carvel ice cream they had when Jim Rome finally left. 

But that's all gone now, packed away until NFL practices start up again in July (all ESPN employee calendars will now come with a big red circle around the first day of Broncos training camp). And the Worldwide Leader is left with one huge, Tebow-sized news hole to fill. What can ESPN possibly talk about during all its newfound free time? Well, here are a few possibilities.

Peyton Manning's Neck

No, not Peyton Manning. We've already heard enough about that guy. Plus, he doesn't call the network every day to beg for coverage like good ol' Brett used to do. I'm talking about Peyton Manning's Neck. 

We don't know much about PMN now, only that it's hurting and may or may not get better. But put ESPN on the case, and they'll be breaking down its mechanics in no time. 

We'll get daily BREAKING NEWS ALERTS on PMN's mobility, and up-to-date stats on its turning radius. Experts will break down PMN's strained relationship with Peyton Manning's Spine, and chronicle their attempts to reconcile in time for the season. Ed Werder will report live from the massage therapist. ESPN will overload you with so much information that all the hours you spent watching will translate into credits at the nearest med school.

Dream Teams

In September B.T. (Before Tebow), all eyes were on the self-proclaimed Dream Team Eagles. In the offseason, the Eagles had amassed more talent than a Miami strip club getting ready for Super Bowl week. Then they'd promptly crashed and burned, and ESPN played the role of the eager rubbernecker.

Well, if you enjoyed that, get ready for TWICE the fun! Because the Big Three Miami Heat are back, and they'll soon be joined by the new-look Los Angeles Angels. They're stocked with both talent and enough unrealistic expectations to produce a sea of hand wringing at the first three-game losing streak. ESPN will surely be the first wringer of hands, as the saying around Bristol is, "If anyone is going to trade in reckless hype and unrealistic expectations, it's going to be us."

Kevin Love

ESPN has already had so much success promoting the amazing life story of a gritty (code word for white) overdog that it might as well do it again. 

Enter Kevin Love. Like Tebow, he was born into privilege, has had freakish athletic abilities since middle school and has been a star everywhere he's ever played. Like Tebow, none of that matters because he looks unbelievably awkward when playing his sport of choice. NBA general managers recently voted the 6'10" Pac-10 Player of the Year, fifth overall draft pick and NBA record holder for consecutive double-doubles the NBA player that "does the most with least." 

If the Timberwolves somehow back into the playoffs like the Broncos did, gird yourself for an onslaught of "Love" puns and sentimental interviews over stirring background music. 

More Tebow

When it comes to ESPN, it's often best to think like the network does: Simply. 

From that perspective, the only prescription is more Tebow. Just because he's gone doesn't mean he's forgotten, and giving Bill Simmons his own website has proven that ESPN excels at taking something that's tolerable and bashing you over the head with it until everything goes numb. Expect daily reports on Tebow's offseason workouts, soft-lens retrospectives on what it was like Growing Up Tebow, and in-depth breakdowns of what John Elway's latest grimace tells us about Tebow's job security.

There you have it, folks. Don't say I didn't warn you. And remember, when all else fails, change the channel. ESPN doesn't own you. At least until football season starts.