The Hangover: Week 13

By Adam Cancryn and Joe Schackman

It's inevitably Tebow week again, now that the world's grittiest athlete has heroically willed his team to yet another win. That makes five straight on the road for the Denver Tebows, and officially opens the floodgates for trolling columnists and haters of sports nerds and their statistics. Like this guy, award-winner Greg Couch! Fresh off of bravely stating that "Chances may be one-time things" and defending Tebow from that meany John Fox, he made sure to set the bar high early in the week, proclaiming Tebow as the league's most valuable player. Rational minds and those with heart problems, pregnant or nursing need not read.

Your Hangover, Week 13:

• Random piece of information that will have no bearing on anything: It had been more than two months since the Bears last played in the U.S. at 1 p.m. ET.
• Fred Davis has been the only consistent offensive weapon for the Redskins this year. Which is why it hurts even more that he will miss the next four games due to a substance abuse violation for smoking weed.
• If just the act of smoking marijuana is illegal, can it really fall under the banner of substance abuse? Isn't it just substance use? 
• Now that Donovan McNabb is no longer a Viking, it looks like backup quarterback Joe Webb will get more playing time in a Wildcat/option type of role. He did a little of it last week and got even more involved against the Broncos.
• The thing that makes Minnesota's Wildcat more dangerous than most is that Webb is actually a threat to throw, making for three options defenses have to account for, rather than the typical run/handoff outcome.
• For a Washington team likely starting to look toward next season, running back Roy Helu looks like a keeper, especially for a rushing offense ranked 31st in the league coming into the week. He finished with 100 yards and a touchdown v. the Jets.
• Minnesota's Jamarca Sanford made a great special teams non-play early in the game, not touching a rolling punt while he was in the end zone. He avoided the ball, and another teammate was able to run over and down it at the one yard line. On Denver's first offensive play, Jared Allen blitzed from the end and hit Willis McGahee in the end zone for a safety.
• The shovel pass should be stripped from all playbooks. There are much safer and more creative ways to get two yards.
• Cam Newton has now done it all for Carolina. He threw for 204 yards and a TD, ran for three more touchdowns and even caught a pass on a trick play. The pass went for 27 yards before he was tripped up just short of the end zone.
• Joe: Carolina hasn't had one primetime game this season. I guarantee that will change next year, after the performances Newton has put up.
• Related fun fact: The Panthers have played every single game at 1 p.m. ET or earlier.
• Newton's three touchdown runs set an NFL record for rushing TDs by a quarterback with 13. That's one more than New England's Steve Grogan in 1976.
• Before we go any further, let's get all the Tebow out of the way in one big clump:
• This was Tebow's most traditionally played game, in that he relied much more on his arm than on his legs. This isn't surprising; Minnesota has one of the worst pass defenses in the league. Expect the Denver Tebows to return to their college system next week.
• This was also Tebow's best game, in that he completed passes he needed to complete and converted crucial third downs. He couldn't rely completely on the defense this week, and yet was able to keep up in a shootout.
• The key, really, is that he didn't turn the ball over. Tebow has thrown just one interception so far this year, and any quarterback that takes care of the ball that well will give his team a chance to win. 
• That being said, the entire Denver offense struggled early on when it couldn't run the ball, gaining just 46 yards of total offense in the first half. And Tebow's two touchdowns and the crucial pass play to set up the game-winning field goal were the result of horrible blown coverages. There were very few times where Tebow had to fit throws into a tight window.
• Looking at Denver's remaining schedule, it's looking more likely that they will get into the playoffs. The defense is capable of playing inspired ball, and that's about all it should take to beat the Chiefs, Cutler-less Bears and the Bills. That's a 10-6 season, and more than enough in a weak division.
• Also, Denver has now won five straight road games for the first time since 1998.
• Joe: Tim Tebow is making plays. Do I honestly need to come to terms with the fact that he might succeed at QB in the NFL? I’m going to start a support group or something. We’ll have jackets.
• Meanwhile, while Tebow gets all the attention, Minnesota's Christian Ponder is the year's best rookie quarterback. He did all he could to get a win, breaking the team rookie record for passing yards in the process.
• In other hyped young quarterback news, the Jets' Mark Sanchez is one of just six QBs to win 30 games (including playoff wins) in his first three years, according to Boomer Esiason.
• Joe: For the glorified game-manager that Sanchez has become, he is horrendous with managing timeouts. He called timeout to prevent a 5-yard delay of game penalty on a 3rd and 23 situation when the Jets were already going to just run a dump play and punt.
• The Matt Moore/Reggie Bush offensive combo got the job done for Miami again v. the Raiders. Still look like the second-best team in that division right now, no matter the record.
• FOX is apparently going to do an animated Napoleon Dynamite show. Seven years after anyone cared about Napoleon Dynamite. Hard to see the thought process behind it, but here's the trailer: 

• I give it four episodes.
• It only took 13 weeks, but it looks like Tennessee's Chris Johnson is back in playing shape, rushing for 153 yards and two touchdowns in the win over the Bills.
• What did Ndomukong Suh do during his league-mandated week off? He got in his car and "lost the back end, spun around and hit a tree and a light pole and a (drinking) fountain." Nobody was hurt, and he wasn't drunk. So those are positives.
• T.J. Yates is a winner in his first start for Houston, throwing a touchdown while managing to stay out of Arian Foster's way (111 yards, one TD).
• Pittsburgh showed they're not ready to give up their hold on the division, stomping the upstart Bengals 35-7. It got so bad, quarterback Andy Dalton was benched in the fourth for Bruce Gradkowski, who then promptly threw an interception.
• Also bad: Ziggy Hood's Pee Wee Herman-inspired sack celebration.
• The Vikings' Kyle Rudolph with the best catch of the early games:

• It was a short-lived Chiefs debut for Kyle Orton. On the first play from scrimmage, Orton was hit hard and injured his finger, sitting out the rest of the game.
• Betting odds put the Patriots at +20 points v. the winless Colts, but Indianapolis played hard to the end. After falling behind big, they closed out the fourth with a 21-point burst to bring it within seven.
• They've still yet to win a game, though, with their last likely chance at a victory coming Week 17 v. the Jaguars. Suck for Luck is just about sown up.
• Indy quarterbacks Curtis Painter and Dan Orlovsky are now a combined 0-16 for their careers.
• Antonio Brown's 60-yard punt return for a touchdown was Pittsburgh's first punt return TD in 78 games.
• Kansas City's Dexter McCluster somehow caught this Hail Mary pass at the end of the half. It was the Chiefs' first touchdown in 12 quarters.
• Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski's three touchdown catches gave him 13 for the season, an NFL record for tight ends.
• Dan Bailey had been perfect kicking field goals since Week 2. He missed two today, and Dallas lost in overtime to the Cardinals.
• Bailey actually hit what would have been a game winner, but his own coach called timeout just before the snap, negating the kick. He missed the subsequent attempt.
• If you've watched football during the Tony Romo era, you had to know the Cowboys were losing that game. They're as bad in December as they are great in November.
• San Francisco's Frank Gore passed Joe Perry to become the team's all-time leading rusher.
• The Niners also clinched the NFC West title for the first time since 2002.
• The Giants play their best in the biggest games. What holds them back is all those other games against lesser opponents that they sleepwalk through.
• Victor Cruz is the kind of big play wideout New York hasn't had in a while. Sure, they had Plaxico Burress and Steve Smith, but those were niche guys, red zone and third down options. Cruz is a stretch the field, any-given-down receiver that's cleared up a lot of space for the Giants' offense.
• However, even the Giants' best game in months wasn't enough to stop the Packers' death by 1,000 receivers. Rodgers expertly spreads the ball around, and has had six or seven top-flight targets at his disposal.
• The Giants' secondary is in tatters, and has been since their championship run. Even with young talents like Aaron Ross and Kenny Phillips, there are consistently huge holes for receivers to sit down in. That means Manning and the offense have to always be the last to score, and that's not how it went down v. Green Bay.
• The Packers have now won 18 straight games, tied with seven other teams behind the '03-'04 Patriots (21 games).
• Ray Rice was the Ravens' offense this week, trampling the Browns for his first 200+ yard rushing game of his career.
• The Saints and Lions staged one of the more entertaining Sunday Night games, featuring a ton of passing and minimal defense. Both quarterbacks went over 300 yards easily, completing a number of deep completions. It's Drew Brees' precision in that medium 10-15 yard space that made the difference though, extending drives and softening up the defense for the longer strikes.
• Grantland had a solid piece about this a while back, but the Saints are excellent at creating space for their backs and even, to some extent, tight end Jimmy Graham. Just giving someone like Darren Sproles a few yards to maneuver before he meets a defender can turn a five yard catch into a 30 yard catch and run. 
• Matt Stafford did yeoman's work for the Lions, racking up 408 yards. But they're sorely missing Jahvid Best, another "space" player that provided an instant run game and a consistent check down option. Without him, Stafford has had to look down the field more often, resulting in more incompletions and interceptions. After throwing one v. the Saints, he now has 10 picks in his last four games.

San Diego-Jacksonville snorefest tonight. Instead, spend some time reading the first two parts of the New York Times' profile on the late NHL enforce Derek Boogard.