How to root at the Olympics

By Matt Anderson

A five-step field guide to picking sides at the Olympics.

This weekend marked the halfway point for the Olympics. Once every two years, the world gathers around TV sets (and computers) to witness a purer version of the sports world. No championship is harder earned or valued higher than that gold medal.

Plus, I personally love the Summer Games because swimming dominates the news for a week, so many of my friends look at me as an actual expert rather than just the guy who thinks he knows it all. 

But outside of swimming, there are a ton of events to watch featuring athletes we've never heard of. So over the past week, I’ve carefully crafted a hierarchy of how your rooting interests should break down, especially in obscure events or those that lack an American presence. 

1. USA. Any opportunity to wrap myself in the flag and thump my chest in unapologetic patriotism is an opportunity I’m going to take. Rooting for Team USA trumps all other loyalties. Heck, I even root for LeBron and Kobe when they're playing for the Stars and Stripes. And they're the worst. 

There’s a stereotype of the ugly American who thinks the USA is the greatest country in the world and loudly proclaims it. Embrace that stereotype with open arms during the Olympics. 

Finland's Hanna-Maria Seppala

2. The Hottie. I apologize for my chauvinism, but if there’s a women’s event on and there isn’t a U.S. competitor, I’m rooting for the most attractive one in the field. If there are any women reading this, I will not fault you for doing the reverse. 

Most of these competitors are not rich and famous celebrities like the athletes we watch day in and day out. As a result, there’s a tiny part of my brain that says, 'Hey she’s not much different than me! A world class athlete sure, but she probably dates her fair share of regular Joes.' It’s one in a million, but if there’s a chance (in my mind), I've got to root for her, just so we’d have something to talk about over dinner. 

3. The English Speaking Nation. I have to support the fellowship of the countries that share our language: Great Britain, Ireland, Australia, New Zealand, etc. We share a similar cultural heritage, and besides, we’ve been kicking/saving England’s butt since 1776 so we should throw them a bone and throw our weight behind them once in a while. 

4. Not China. This used to be Not the Soviets/ Russians, but now that the communist propaganda-fueled PED binges have ceased, the Russians just don’t compete with us in much besides gymnastics and hockey. 

So instead, we must turn to rooting against the latest insane communist dictatorship that pumps its athletes full of drugs (sorry, allegedly) and brainwashes them into robots in an all-out attempt to validate their way of life. That's China. When I watch the diving, where the Chinese are nearly flawless, it pisses me off. When I see their “of age” gymnast, I’m disgusted. When their 16-year-old IMer splits faster than one of the best male swimmers in the world, I question their purity. Every hero needs a villain, and China is our new arch-nemesis. 

Iceland's Olafur Stefansson

5) The Feel-Good Story. Often, before an event where no one knows the name of a single participant, NBC or its announcers will tell us a tear-jerker of a story about how one competitor overcame the odds to make it there, or beat tragedy, or is doing this for some cause greater than him/herself. If all else fails, root for this athlete. 

The great thing about the Olympics is watching someone’s dreams come true in front of the entire world. That joyful moment when an athlete achieves what he or she has worked so hard to accomplish is so pure and raw and uplifting. It’s really what sports are all about and cuts to the core of our collective human experience: To root for the first woman athlete from Afghanistan in her 100 meter dash, to root for a 71-year-old Japanese equestrian, to root for a French canoer derailed by bad luck last four years ago. Uniting the world through sports is the spirit of the Games. So when you do get a chance, root for the story, buy in to the international side and be a part of something that transcends borders. 

Matt Anderson is Began in '96's Richmond correspondent. He also writes about sports here, when he's not keeping track of the bro-est Olympians on the planet.