The Second Annual Began in '96 Super Bowl Drinking Game

By the Began in '96 staff

Presenting: Began in '96's second annual stab at gettin' you drunk.

It's here. That wonderful, most American of unofficial holidays is here. It's Super Bowl Sunday, and this one could be a doozy. It's got Alicia Keys, Beyonce, a Destiny's Child reun— er, I mean, football!

On one side, a rookie quarterback tries to make history, shattering both that old "only pocket passers win championships" trope and Alex Smith's soul in the process. On the other, Ray Rice, the newly possibly elite Joseph Flacco and the reanimated corpse of Ed Reed try to send stabby messiah Ray Lewis off with a final trophy, before he ascends to sit at the right hand of the Lord.

And in the middle is you, a bucket of wings and a lot of alcohol. For the second year in a row, we're going to help you drink that alcohol with our Super Bowl Drinking Game. The game is divided into four sections: Pregame, Super Bowl, Halftime and Postgame. But get familiar with all the rules, because they all apply throughout the game. So if at any point there's a commercial of a monkey riding a dog through Hurricane Katrina while wearing shoulder pads, you best be drinking.

Note: A missed drinking opportunity is a two-drink penalty, plus your best imitation of Ray Lewis' pregame dance.

PREGAME

1. You see a fan in facepaint and way too many Mardi Gras beads-- drink

Oh, are you not sure where the Super Bowl is being held this year? It's in NAWLINS, where according to TV execs, purple and gold facepaint and an ungodly amount of plastic beads is the equivalent of business casual anywhere else in the country (Note: this may not be far from the truth).

It's a shame how much Mardi Gras beads have been devalued over time. They used to mean something. You had to be a certain kind of drunk (very) to even have a chance. Now they're handed out like participation trophies. This is the real wimpification of America, people.

2. Hurricane Katrina is shoehorned into a soft-focus feature-- waterfall

It's been nearly eight years since Drew Brees started rebuilding New Orleans, brick by brick, with his bare hands and no one around to help him. The city's come a long way since then: purple and gold facepaint sales are up, beadmakers are back at work, and now here comes the Super Bowl. If there's but one tenuous connection between Katrina and these two teams, NBC will be sure to drag it into the studio and set it against some soft background piano.

3. The pregame crew gets the chuckles-- drink until the chucklefest stops

[CURTAIN RISES]: Five aging ex-football players sit around a semi-circular table. Their tie knots are invariably too big for their necks. At least two are power clashing so hard you wonder if your TV's color settings are off. Another might not even know where he is right now.

[TALKING HEAD ONE]: Tries to present semi-coherent analysis. Fails.

[TALKING HEAD TWO]: Responds with stupid pun.

[ALL TALKING HEADS]: Dissolve into inane round of trying to out-chuckle each other.

[YOU]: Change the channel, only to find it's happening EVERYWHERE. Respond by drinking.

[SCENE]

4. Anything involving a camera and Ray Lewis-- drink, shed fake tear

Ray Lews hearts the camera. Unless he's being asked about PEDs or maybe seeing/participating in those two guys getting stabbed and then running away. You know, all that unfair stuff.

But otherwise, Ray Lewis hearts the camera. And you can bet the camera hearts him right back. Whether he's praying or crying or giving an overwrought sermon, it'll be beamed right into your living room over and over again.

Bonus drink for every time "Ray Lewis" and "redemption" end up in the same sentence.

5. Someone mentions that the Harbaughs are brothers-- drink, bro hug somebody

The Harbaughs are brothers. They're in the Super Bowl, coaching against each other. That's the extent of the meh that we can muster for this exhausted story line.

Bonus chug if someone mentions Joani, the lost Harbaugh sister and a wonderful lady.

SUPER BOWL

1. Ray Lewis is praised for making a routine tackle-- drink

Ray Lewis is potentially the greatest linebacker/murderer to ever play the game. Even so, when he makes a tackle six yards from the line of scrimmage, he's doing his job, not saving the world. No added praise necessary.

2. An Alex Smith sad face-- drink

Alex Smith was the king of San Francisco. And then Colin Kaepernick, with his speed and arm strength and sweet tats, came in and kicked Smith off the cool kids table. Now he's forced to sit with the band geeks and, gasp, kickers, and sulk into his shoulder pads. Every time you see him on the sideline, staring aimlessly off into the distance, toast him to what could have been.

Bonus drink if he's standing on the sideline with his helmet on.

3. Ed Reed hits someone in the end zone after they've already scored-- drink

Ed Reed is so old that one day body parts will start falling off while he's running, and eventually he'll just be a torso and a head trying to bite people's ankles as they run by. And he'll still get a Pro Bowl invite.

But until then, ballhawkin' Ed Reed will spend his Sundays desperately trying to keep up with receivers. And when he inevitably fails, he'll hit them in the end zone anyway, just so he can feel something again.

Bonus drink if after the hit, he stays on the ground for 5+ seconds.

4. Ray Rice is referred to as "little" or "forgotten."-- drink

There are always a bunch of manufactured storylines leading up to the Super Bowl, but this one was the weirdest. Ray Rice is, for the record, 5'8," 212 lbs. That is not a small man, especially by running back standards. He is also, for the record, a former college star and second-round draft pick, owner of four straight 1,000-yard rushing seasons and a three-time Pro Bowler. That has not gone unnoticed.

And yet.

5. Phil Simms adds extra 'e's to a word-- dreeeenk

Phil Simms is one half of your broadcast booth this year. WOOF. He is the greatest, blandest spouter of cliches on television, and that's quite the accomplishment given that he'll be standing right next to fellow gasbagger Jim Nantz. What puts him over the top is that subtle, tinny accent, that works eets wayee into nearly everee sentence of the gayme.

Bonus drink if Nantz descends into a golf whisper, or at any point utters, "a tradition unlike any other."

6. A fan wearing shoulder pads-- drink

What is the mindset here? A debate that some of the staff here has had is which sport possesses the fan base with the lowest collective IQ. NASCAR had the edge originally, until these guys starting popping up everywhere, just hoping that after all 75 or so players on a team have been injured, the coach will peer into the stands, point at them, and launch them to stardom.

In the meantime, it's just extremely inconsiderate to your seatmates.

Bonus drink if the fan is also wearing a helmet and/or eye black.


7. One of the Harbaughs throws a tantrum- drink, stomp around for a bit

Jim and John have the on-field tantrum down to a T. They've perfected it. It's over. Mike Krzyzewski and Lou Piniella watch them together and stew, bitter that they've never reached that level of childishness.

HALFTIME

1. You remember the name of the third Destiny's Child member-- drink 

C'mon. Not even Beyonce knows who she is. Besides, she might not even be there because she's super busy doing other important, totally not-made up things.

2. Jay-Z makes an appearance-- drink

You're now watching — and enjoying! — the Super Bowl halftime show. Savor it.

Bonus drink if Kanye is with him. Bonus CHUG if Kanye does something stupid.

3. Commercial featuring a dog or monkey-- drink

Cats and clydesdales had their time. It's all about the dogs and monkeys now. Or preferably, a monkey riding a dog.

4. Commercial featuring someone in their underwear-- drink

If it's not an animal, then it's a dude in his underwear. These are the only proven tactics for making Americans laugh.

Depressing bonus drink if you think it's going to be a girl in her underwear and then it ends up being a guy.

POSTGAME

1. Roger Goodell gets booed-- drink, bask in the booing chorus

Let's see: I feel like there was something that happened with Goodell and New Orleans... Goodell... New Orleans... oh yeah THAT'S RIGHT. It only involved suspending a bunch of players and a coach and torpedoing the Saints' season over something that everyone in the NFL does but only the Saints made into a formal system. They were just trying to be organized, and this is what they got.

OH. And then a bunch of those suspensions were overturned. So that happened. Add in the feeble attempts at protecting the brains of the people who make everyone's money for them, and it should be a fun ride for the commish.

2. Player wears his championship t-shirt over his shoulder pads-- drink

Eli Manning pioneered championship chic, and it's caught on over the years. There's nothing quite like looking like a transformer when you're accepting the Lombardi Trophy. Granted, this year, players might keep their pads on for fear Ed Reed wants to fit in one more late hit.

3. Ray Lews cries/thanks God-- chug

If the Ravens win, this will happen. If they don't win, this will happen. Use it as your final opportunity to get plastered.

4. You make it through the entire night of Began in '96's Super Bowl drinking game-- finish your drink and call in sick for tomorrow

Congrats, you made it. Only seven more months 'til preseason starts.